Your Cheviot Gazette October Horoscope

Updated: Oct 8, 2019

OCTOBER HOROSCOPE 2019



Aries

March 21 — April 19

As an Aries, it’s always going to be in the back of your mind that you need to get Halloween candy before the stores sell out. However, you’re just so busy with life that you forget about getting candy until a couple of days before. Unfortunately, you’re going to be left with the candy nobody wanted or candy that’s really expensive. Prepare to see smiles turn to frowns as you try to hide what you’re putting into a child’s Halloween basket.




Taurus

April 20 — May 2

If you’ve never had your house TP’d before then get ready to still not know what it is like. However, your neighbor is going to get toilet paper all over their trees so hard that they’re going to completely give up on caring about society. Unfortunately, their lethargic attitude about cleaning the toilet paper means most of it will eventually blow into your yard at some point and make your garden gnome look like a mummy.



Gemini

March 21 — May 20

The Gemini will swear they have a copy of Hocus Pocus somewhere in their house. Instead of renting or watching it from a streaming service, you’ll go through boxes of stuff in your attic hoping it’s there. Unfortunately for you, you misremembered a DVD copy of Hocus Pocus for a VHS copy of Hocus Pocus and you don’t have a VHS player. You look through eBay to find a VHS player, but they’re considered antiques and now you feel old because you were alive when they were in their prime.



Cancer

June 21 — July 22

Cancers are going to have a lot of opportunities for sweets during Halloween. Unlike the Aries, you’re going to get to the store during prime Halloween sales times and get all the best candy. You’re going to stockpile them early and impress a lot of kids during Halloween. However, getting skipped over at work for a promotion might put a damper on things and over the course of the rest of the month, you’re going to think “taking one candy should be okay.”



Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

Leos are going to look in the mirror one day and realize they look like the woman in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York who could control pigeons. Unfortunately, stepping outside doesn’t give you an instant connection with these birds who are basically flying rats. In fact, you’re going to find various gifts on the windshield of your car every morning from these feathered friends. Cursing up at the sky at pigeons will make a small child approach you for help from burglars.



Virgo

Aug23 – Sept 22

Virgos temporarily forget that it’s October because holidays have become so commercials that once October hits, there are Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorations in any store you go to. Virgos end up filling their homes with a combination of all three holidays that they end up having a skeleton with a Christmas hat holding a turkey baster in the corner of their bedroom.



Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 22

Libras have it a little easier than anyone else. They don’t need to worry about whether they’re passing out candy, decorating for Halloween, or even throwing a party at all. No, Libras get to chill out on the couch and watch Netflix while bundled up with a cup of hot cocoa. You don’t have a care in the world. However, that’s all going to come crashing down after Halloween when the severance checks stop coming in and you need to scramble to find work.



Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

The Scorpio will take this Halloween season to find love. You’ve been working so hard on your confidence, your body, and your career to the point where it’s finally time to put yourself out there. You go and buy the best outfit you can find and head to a Halloween party knowing there will be singles there. The entire night, you’ve locked eyes with a woman who seems to be interested. You finally work up the courage to meet her, but she ends up being a zombie bride decoration.



Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

The Sagittarius doesn’t care about Halloween. In fact, this month you’re going to be in such a foul mood that you’re going to put a damper on everyone’s party. Every time someone comments about how Christmas is coming up, you’re going to go into a long rant about how it’s a commercialized holiday. You’re the one those memes are talking about for people who should let others enjoy things. Maybe a Snicker’s bar will help.



Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorns are torn between whether they should attend a Halloween party or throw their own. Every time you have, they ended up bombing or no one really showed up. However, you’ve seen enough movies to know how to throw a good one. Unfortunately, they were the wrong kind of movies. You ended up watching slasher films. That’s why you’re being interviewed by the police about why you were answering the door wielding a knife and bloody hockey mask.



Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

The Aquarius will go all out on Halloween decorations. You will get ghosts to hang off your tree, cobwebs to get stuck in your hair for an entire month every time you enter the doorway and get carpal tunnel from carving pumpkins. You get so stressed from the decorating that you pass out in the yard. No one can help you because you blend in with all your Halloween decorations.



Pisces

Feb 19 - March 20

Pisces are the ones who question if anyone ever actually “Tricks” when kids say “Trick-or-Treat!” You’ll think all month about fun tricks you’ll play on kids instead of actually buying candy this year. You’ll think they’ll find it fun because everyone else is so basic and just hands out candy. Unfortunately, all you get are sad children and complaints from parents. So much for trying to be fun.

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