Three Horrible Things To Do With Your Stimulus Check


Our first round of stimulus checks have come and gone. Some have put it away in savings, others have used it to get ahead on bills. Some millennials who still live with their parents well into their thirties used it to get new game systems or computers to make themselves feel better about not having any money put away into their retirement savings yet. Do they even know what a 401k is? No, it’s not a new type of virtual reality video game console, but they’ll figure it out when they’re 65 with no social security.


Everyone in America was celebrating a one time $1,200 check that they'd have to pay back in taxes anyway. However, we stopped celebrating when we realized our neighbors to the north, Canada, are getting $2,000 a month. It's like getting excited about getting a single candy bar when our sibling is getting a whole Halloween-sized bag full of candy bars. Fortunately, there is news of another stimulus check in the works. Unfortunately, like anything else that would benefit the average American, it's stuck in Congress's bowels. If Congress decides they want to finally do something right for the American people, we may see another round of stimulus checks. However, we would need to spend them to show our politicians that we need more money. Let's take a look at three horrible things to do with your stimulus check.


Political Donations

Politicians are taking so long to approve another round of stimulus checks. They're basically not doing their jobs. Why pay them for a lousy job? You wouldn't pay a contractor who came to fix your dishwasher if they broke it, would you? If politicians somehow put two brain cells together and did the job they were voted in to do, then maybe it would justify us giving the money right back to the government.


Chickens

Everyone is trying to stay home when they can, but sometimes it's necessary to go out to shop for supplies. We have to navigate a maze full of people in grocery stores who throw a fit because they're told to wear a mask. Imagine yourself as a World War I soldier in the trenches who needs to lead a charge against the enemy. Except instead of being a soldier, you're wearing a mask and avoiding sick people to get to the eggs. You don't have to do that if you get some chickens. Of course, you will need to house them, feed them, and learn to care for them, so they create healthy eggs. You also have to know when to pick the eggs, not when they're about to hatch. You'd be a monster taking an egg almost ready to go and cracking it into your pan to see a developed embryo. The rest of your stimulus check can go into housing the chickens. What? Did you think they're just going to freely roam in your house? Have fun waking up to a pecker in your eye.


Advertisements

Do you know those pesky advertisements that fill up your social media feed telling you that there are hot sexy singles nearby waiting to meet you? Who actually clicks on those? Are there really singles nearby who were born, went through their entire childhood, and became adults for the sole purpose of waiting for you? It's not like you can go to a bar right now to meet someone. What are you expected to do? Show up at 5 PM so you have enough liquid courage consumed to approach the attractive person who is either looking in your direction, but more than likely making note of the nearby exits. Either way, you only have till 10 PM, drink up. The sexy singles in your area do look very attractive. Who knows, maybe your stimulus check will finally be what helps you meet someone? If you don't see these advertisements, but only see advertisements for zombie mobile games, that's also something to spend your stimulus check on. Showing someone your zombie high score one day when the lockdown is over might be a good enough icebreaker to find true love?


Don’t put your stimulus check in savings. You’re supposed to spend it to revitalize the economy. Do it by giving the money back, buying chickens, or meeting singles in your area.



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