January is here and that means normal gym-goers are going to have to find workouts to do at home until the New Year’s Resolution people give up after the first week. January means a new year. A year where we all think of all the things that we wish we could change while making no effort to change them. Let’s take a look at January’s horoscopes.
March 21 — April 19
January will be great for a career. Not necessarily your career, but someone in your workplace. The person who doesn’t do half the work you do while kissing the most butt is going to get the promotion over you. Maybe this year you get your nose a little brown.
April 20 — May 20
Everything is going to line up for you. The planets are lining up, except for Pluto, but we don’t even consider Pluto a planet thanks to Neil deGrasse Tyson. Do you know what else will line up for you? Ants. Maybe place a couple of ant traps around your house for good measure.
May 21 — June 20
Get a planner because this year will start off busy, and not the good kind of busy. You’re so strapped for cash after the holidays that you’re considering driving for Uber just to make up for your terrible spending habits. Of course, half of your earnings are going into your car’s accelerated wear and tear, but at least you’re getting a small percentage towards all the gas you’re using.
June 21 — July 22
This is the month for love. It’s supposed to be February for normal people because it’s Valentine’s Day, but January is your month to find love. It doesn’t necessarily have to be with another human. It can your love for ice cream or your love for adopting another cat you probably didn’t need, but one you’ll love even though your landlord doesn’t allow animals.
July 23 - Aug 22
Leos should make an attempt to go out more. Inside and away from people is nice, but there are other things to do beyond the safety of your home such as the food you don’t have at home. You won’t get the appreciation of the guy at the takeout counter because he turns around right as you’re putting something into the tip jar.
Aug23 – Sept 22
The other zodiac signs are getting a lot of energy this month, but there’s something off about the Virgos. Maybe it’s the way the planets are aligning, or the fact that you’re still eating holiday leftovers and are in a constant state of food coma. Either way, you’re going to be spending a lot of those generic gift cards that can be used anywhere on morning coffee.
Sept 23 - Oct 22
If you’re in the market for a new place to live, then you’re in luck because there’s a lot of great new television programming that will air in January. You know those ones where the guy makes vegetable baskets for a living and the girl trains dogs how to whistle and they somehow can afford a million-dollar home while you work 40 hours at an underappreciated job while scraping by for rent?
Oct 23 - Nov 21
A Scorpio will finally land an interview for the job of their dreams. Unfortunately, the interview was set up by a fluke in the hiring process that made it so you’re going after a job you’re not at all qualified for. That’s fine, Google is here to boost your vocabulary enough to sound confident. Try a thesaurus.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Sagittarius hasn’t had much luck this past year. Fortunately, things are going to look up for you. You’re going to stumble across some money on the street and it’s going to buy you the best burger you’ve ever had. Finally, things are looking up. Eat it near your eviction notice.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
It’s time to make a major change in your life. Don’t try to lose weight or change the way you look, we’re talking a major change. Trade-in a new car for a newer model. Upgrade your living space to a larger one. Replace your life partner with that waitress who smiled at you that one time. It’s your time.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
An Aquarius will find creative ways to get over obstacles. You can try jumping over them, but who is so basic about that? Create a device to levitate you over it. Don’t patent it. Have it stolen by someone else. Their name? Thomas Edison II Jr.
Feb 19 - March 20
You’re going to increase your social circle. You’ll meet someone who will have a lot of friends for you to meet. However, you notice at your next get-together that they’re all flashing gang signs and matching colors. You don’t think anything of it until they hand you a stick and tell you someone’s on their territory. At least you finally know people.
Can’t wait until February when the stars align for love…In the next Cheviot Gazette.