August Horoscopes. How did we do?

August Horoscopes

August is a boring month. For one thing, August is the end of Summer, which means everyone automatically hates it. School is back in session. The warm weather is going away, and we need to start putting money away for all the expensive and fattening holidays coming during Fall and Winter. We would say August isn't all that bad because of its fun holidays. Still, it just has a list of boring ones from National Mahjong Day to Professional Speakers Day. There's also "Grab Some Nuts Day," but we're not going to inquire too much about this holiday's specifics as we really don't want to know.


Aries

The solar system is aligning for an Aries this month. In fact, the energy of the planets aligning will have an Aries ready for National Left-Handers’ Day. Even if an Aries isn't left-handed, they'll magically wake up as one anyway. Of course, they won't be used to it, but that's how sadistic the planets are. Lots of stuff is going to break.







Taurus

Taurus already had good things happening to them since January. August is a month where nothing of note is going to happen for a Taurus. They can't always be on an upward trend. They'll be more associated with "Just Because Day" where they do things "just because." Nothing will come of it, but that's the universe for you.





Gemini

Gemini will have bad luck in August. They'll buy trail mix on National Trail Mix Day and barely get any of the good parts of the trail mix. It'll be the one ingredient in trail mix that they hate. Why even take that chance with a month where you get absolutely no luck? Don't go crossing any streets. It could be a Looney Toons situation with the coyote and roadrunner where there's nothing on the road until the coyote steps on the street.

Cancer

Cancers get to celebrate World Mosquito Day. Why is that a holiday? Who celebrates mosquitos? They're the one insect in the world that proves there is a deity pulling strings, and they created mosquitoes to be a troll.









Leo

August has National Potato day, and Leos are all about it. They're the master of this fattening carbohydrate. They can make fries, chips, oven-baked potatoes, and basically be the potato version of Bubba and his shrimp from Forrest Gump.








Virgo

The planets are aligning to have Virgos celebrate National Lazy Day. Finally, a day without any responsibilities. It's like being a child all over again. It's too bad. That's what Virgos usually do daily, but now there's a day to justify laying around in a pool of drool in sweatpants.





Libra

Libras were probably the ones who invented "Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Day." Don't even ask why that's a holiday. Still, we're 100% sure it originated somewhere in Oklahoma because that sounds like something people in Oklahoma would come up with.





Scorpio

Saturn and Venus are crossing. They’re not physically crossing, they’re crossing each other. It’s serious beef. It’s like an episode of Mad Men but with planets. That means Scorpios are doomed to celebrate “Grab Some Nuts Day.” We still don’t know what that is, and at this point, we’re too afraid to Google it.






Sagittarius

August is the month for International Hangover Day. That means a Sagittarius can have a reason to get completely hungover. Some might not even realize the day exists. They're just completely hungover. Maybe they'll get aspirin for free?







Capricorn

Does anyone know what National Work Like A Dog Day is? We're assuming it's a hilarious holiday where people just go to work, acting like a dog. There's no verbal communication. Everyone is on all fours barking like dogs. An urgent meeting with a crucial prominent investor is that day. No one can convince them why they need to invest millions in their company because a Capricorn must adhere to the strict rules of the holiday.


Aquarius

We hope an Aquarius isn't afraid of clowns because National Clown Day is in August. Some countries have National Clown WEEK. Who celebrates an entire week of clowns? Apparently, an Aquarius does, and if the planets align the way they do, the clowns should morph into Pennywise.






Pisces

Dear Pisces, Mars, and Jupiter are calling, and it's time to pop some tags. Walk into a thrift shop on National Thrift Shop Day with a fresh twenty-dollar bill and splurge. A Pisces might need to rent a truck or borrow a friend's truck to carry all the second-hand goodies you're going to find. It will be the most significant flex of 2020.

Trust us, we need something good to happen in 2020.

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